The Other Side of Paradise
by tfbl
Summary: Spock on Leila. "This Side of Paradise", and the aftermath


**This an't mine, because if it was Leila wouldn't be creepy enough to be worthy of a cult. My AN on "Thirteen Things" applys here.**

He knew that Leila loved and desired him, that she wanted him to hold her, to be close to her. What he felt for her was nothing more than admiration and respect for a trusted colleague. He also felt the vague feeling of guilt, because he knew his lack of response was hurting her. When they met again on Omicron Seti III he became affected by the spores. As they entered his mind he felt mental pain such as he had never experienced before. The spores were tearing at his mind, ripping apart his controls and barriers with razor sharp knives. Everything that made him Vulcan, that made him who he was, was being shredded into thousands of fragments. That was the last thing that he remembered clearly until he saw Jim.

Until then it was similar to the period between sleeping and waking, when nothing felt real. He felt and saw the person in his arms and was confused. This person should feel hard and sturdy, not soft and pliant. They should have brown hair, hazel eyes that were sprinkled with flecks of gold and dark emerald green, and slight plumpness to their abdomen, not blonde hair, deep blue eyes, and flatness to their abdomen. When he saw Jim he felt a sense of rightness overtaking him. Yes, this was the person who should be in his arms, this was the voice that he should hear, the hands that should be running over his skin. Not this…woman who was standing next to him. Then he noticed something wasn't right. Jim wasn't acting like he should be; he appeared worried, shocked, and there was signs of jealousy around his mouth and in his eyes_. Ah, he hasn't had the spores. He thinks I desire…her. He's incorrect of course. The logical way for him to see would be for him to feel the spores as well. _

When he wasn't affected by the spores he felt vaguely frustrated and disappointed. He wanted, no needed, Jim to be with him. Now that he knew what the person in his arms should look and feel like he desperately wanted to cast… _her_ away and feel Jim in them, wanted to see Jim's jewel like eyes glowing with joy as he looked at him. He begged Jim to feel the spores, told him there was acceptance and love here. He tried to tell him without words that he was able to love him now, when he hadn't before. When Jim contacted him with the communicator and told him he was with them a surge of joy and anticipation shot through him. _Now he will see. Now he will know._ When he beamed up to the ship he was ready to feel Jim's mouth on his or clasp his hands within his own, but Jim was angry. He began to insult him, as well as his parents. As he heard these remarks hurt and confusion ran through him.

Why was Jim saying these things? He had thought he would never hear the hurtful remarks that had been hurled at him throughout his childhood pass through the lips of Jim. Jim, who was his precious friend, the one whom he loved and desired. It was clear that somehow, Jim had lost the spores. As he frantically tried to think of a way for the spores to have Jim again he limited his hearing, listening just enough to know the correct response, but not enough for the words to reach his ears. After a few moments it became clear that the only way for Jim to keep them would be if he forced them on him. Without knowing why a small part of his mind shouted in defiance or why a great amount of pain was building in his head he took a step toward the transporter with the intention of nerve pinching Jim and beaming them down. It was then that he made a mistake. For just an instant as he moved he let the control on his hearing slip, and the insult crashed into his ears. As he heard Jim say, "You belong in the circus, Spock, not a starship. Right next to the dog faced boy," fury and pain ripped through him. He felt himself moving, felt his fists hitting flesh, and then, suddenly, with a snap and a brief flare of agony, his mental controls and barriers mended themselves.

It was with shame that he realized he had beaten Jim, that he could have seriously hurt him, perhaps killed him. He now knew that Jim had insulted him not to hurt him, but to make the spores release him. In his quarters that night he tried to look through the fog of his memories on Omicron Seti III. He remembered not wanting Leila, instead loving and wanting Jim so desperately it had almost been a physical pain. This memory didn't shock him, for he had long ago recognized his feelings of desire and love for Jim. What caused him to clench his fists and his stomach tighten was the memory of being prepared to force the spores on Jim, to make him as unnatural as he had been. If he had been in his right mind such a thought would never have entered his head, for to make the one he desired, whom he yearned to call t'hy'la, do something against his will was unthinkable. When he realized that it had been his desperation for Jim to love, as well as desire him, that had caused him to do that he made a resolution. He would push these feelings for his Captain down and surround them with Vulcan controls. He knew it wouldn't make them go away, but it would make it so he would never be tempted to force Jim again. His lust, and yes, love, could hurt, perhaps kill Jim. That was something he would never risk, no matter how great his love or need was.


End file.
